Part 5 · Chapter 4

Raskolnikov had been a total champion for Sonia against Luzhin, even though he was carrying a ton of stress and pain inside. But after everything that went down that morning, he felt a weird sense of relief from just feeling different things, besides the strong need to defend Sonia.

He was super anxious too, especially at times, thinking about having to tell Sonia who killed Lizaveta. He knew it would be brutal for him, and kind of brushed the thought aside. So when he yelled as he left Katerina Ivanovna’s place, "Well, Sofya Semyonovna, let’s see what you’re gonna say now!"

he was still hyped up, still energetic and defiant from winning against Luzhin. But, weirdly enough, by the time he got to Sonia’s place, he felt totally helpless and scared. He just froze, hesitating at the door, asking himself this crazy question: "Does he have to tell her who killed Lizaveta?"

It was a crazy question because at the same time, he felt like he couldn’t not tell her, and that he couldn’t put it off. He didn't know why it had to be that way, he just felt it, and the crushing feeling of being powerless against what was coming almost broke him.

To stop his hesitation and the pain, he quickly opened the door and looked at Sonia from the doorway. She was sitting with her elbows on the table and her face in her hands, but when she saw Raskolnikov, she got up and came to meet him like she’s been expecting him.

"What would have become of me without you?" she said quickly, meeting him in the middle of the room.

She was clearly in a hurry to tell him that. It was what she’s been waiting for.

Raskolnikov went to the table and sat down in the chair she’s just left. She stood facing him, just two steps away, like she had done the day before.

"Well, Sonia?" he said, and felt his voice was shaking, "it was all because of ‘your social position and the life you live.’"

"Did you get that now?"

Her face showed how upset she was.

"Just don’t talk to me like you did yesterday," she interrupted him.

"Please, don’t start it. There’s already enough misery."

She quickly tried to smile, worried he might be annoyed.

"I was dumb to leave there. What’s going on there now? I wanted to go back right away, but I kept thinking that... you would come."

He told her that Amalia Ivanovna was kicking them out of their apartment, and that Katerina Ivanovna had run off somewhere "to seek justice."

"Oh my God!" cried Sonia, "let’s go right now..."

And she grabbed her jacket.

"It’s always the same thing!" said Raskolnikov, annoyed. "You only think about them! Stay with me a little."

"But... Katerina Ivanovna?"

"You won’t lose Katerina Ivanovna, you can be sure, she’ll come to you herself since she ran off," he added, sounding grumpy.

"If she doesn’t find you here, you’ll get blamed for it..."

Sonia sat down, totally anxious. Raskolnikov was silent, staring at the floor and thinking things over.

"This time Luzhin didn’t want to press charges," he started, not looking at Sonia, "but if he had wanted to, if it had been convenient for his plans, he would have sent you to prison if it hadn’t been for Lebeziatnikov and me. Right?"

"Yes," she said in a quiet voice. "Yes," she repeated, worried and upset.

"But I could have easily not been there. And it was a total accident that Lebeziatnikov showed up."

Sonia just kept quiet.

"And if you’d gone to prison, what then? Do you remember what I said yesterday?"

Again, she didn’t answer. He waited.

"I thought you’d just shut down again, like, ‘Don’t even talk about it, drop it.’"

Raskolnikov gave a laugh, but it sounded forced.

"So, silence again?" he asked a minute later. "We gotta talk about something, you know? It would be kinda interesting to hear how you’d handle a certain ‘problem,’ like Lebeziatnikov would say."

(He was losing track.)

"Seriously, I’m serious. Imagine, Sonia, you knew all of Luzhin’s plans beforehand. Like, for real, you knew they’d ruin Katerina Ivanovna and the kids - and you, since you don’t think you matter - even Polenka too... she’s going down the same path."

"Okay, so suddenly it all depended on your decision: would he keep living and doing terrible things, or would Katerina Ivanovna die? How would you decide who had to die?"

Sonia looked at him nervously. There was something weird about this roundabout question, like it was leading somewhere.

"I figured you were gonna ask something like that," she said, looking at him quizzically.

"Probably. But how do you even answer that?"

"Why are you asking about something that can’t happen?" Sonia asked reluctantly.

"So, Luzhin should just keep living and being awful?" Raskolnikov pressed.

"You haven’t even decided that yet!"

"But I can’t know what God has planned... And why are you asking what can’t be answered? What’s the point of these crazy questions? How could it even depend on my decision - who made me a judge to decide who lives and who dies?"

"Ugh, if God’s mixed up in it, there’s nothing you can do," Raskolnikov grumbled sadly.

"Just tell me what’s going on!" Sonia cried out in distress. "You’ve been hinting at something again... Did you just come here to mess with me?"

She couldn’re hold back the tears. He looked at her, feeling miserable. Five minutes passed.

"Of course you’re right, Sonia," he said softly at last.

He seemed different now. The arrogant, defiant tone was gone. Even his voice sounded weak.

"I told you yesterday I wasn’t here to ask for forgiveness, and the first thing I said was to ask for it... I was talking about Luzhin and God - for my own sake. I was asking for forgiveness, Sonia..."

He tried to smile, but it was shaky and incomplete. He bowed his head and covered his face in his hands.

And suddenly, a weird, shocking feeling of bitter hatred for Sonia washed over him. He felt scared and confused by it, so he looked up and stared at her intently. But he met her worried, anxious eyes fixed on him - there was love in them. His hatred vanished like a ghost.

It wasn’t a real feeling; he’s mistaken one feeling for another. It just meant that the moment had come.

He hid his face in his hands again and bowed his head. Suddenly he turned pale, got up from his chair, looked at Sonia, and without saying a word, sat down mechanically on her bed.

His feelings that moment were eerily similar to the moment he’s stood over the old woman with the axe in his hand, feeling like "he couldn’t wait any longer."

"What’s wrong?" Sonia asked, clearly frightened.

He couldn’t speak. This wasn’t how he’s planned to "tell" her, and he didn’t understand what was happening to him. She went up to him, softly sat down on the bed beside him, and waited, never taking her eyes off him. Her heart pounded and sank.

It was unbearable; he turned his deathly pale face to her. His lips moved, struggling to say something. A wave of terror passed through Sonia’s heart.

"What’s wrong?" she repeated, drawing a little away from him.

"Nothing, Sonia, don’t freak out... It’s just crazy. Seriously, it’s ridiculous if you really think about it," he mumbled, like he was losing it.

"Why am I even doing this to you?" he added suddenly, looking at her.

"Why, really? I keep asking myself that, Sonia..."

He'd probably been asking himself that question for the last fifteen minutes, but now he spoke kind of lost, barely knowing what he was saying, and feeling shaky all over.

"Oh, you’re hurting so bad!" she muttered, looking at him intently.

"It’s all a joke... Listen, Sonia."

He suddenly smiled, a pale, helpless smile for just a second.

"Remember what I was trying to tell you yesterday?"

Sonia waited nervously."I said as I left that maybe I was saying goodbye forever."

"But if I came today, I’d tell you who... ". "who killed Lizaveta."

She started shaking all over.

"Well, here I am to tell you."

"So you really meant it yesterday?" she whispered, struggling to get the words out. "How do you know?" she asked quickly, like she suddenly came to her senses.

Sonia’s face got paler and paler, and she breathed heavily.

"I just know." he said.

She paused for a moment.

"Have they found him?" she asked timidly.

"No they have not, not yet anyway"

"Then how do you know about it?" she asked again, barely audible, and then after another pause.

He turned to her and looked at her really intensely.

"Guess," he said, with the same weird, helpless smile.

A shiver went through her.

"But you... why are you scaring me like this?" she said, smiling like a kid.

"I must be a close friend of his... since I know," Raskolnikov went on, still staring into her face, like he couldn’t look away.

"He... didn’t mean to kill Lizaveta... he... killed her by accident... He meant to kill the old woman when she was alone and he went there... and then Lizaveta walked in... he killed her too."

Another awful moment passed. They both just stared at each other.

"You can’t guess, then?" he asked suddenly, feeling like he was jumping off a tall building.

"N-no..." whispered Sonia.

"Take a good look."

As soon as he said this again, that familiar feeling froze his heart. He looked at her and suddenly saw Lizaveta’s face.

He remembered clearly the look on Lizaveta’s face when he approached her with the axe and she stepped back to the wall, putting out her hand, with scared-kid terror in her face, looking like little kids do when they start to be afraid of something, looking intently and nervously at what’s scaring them, shrinking back and holding out their little hands, like they’re about to cry.

Almost the same thing happened now to Sonia.

With the same helplessness and the same terror, she looked at him for a while and, suddenly putting out her left hand, pressed her fingers lightly against his chest and slowly started to get up from the bed, moving further away from him and keeping her eyes fixed even more intensely on him.

Her fear spread to him. The same fear showed on his face. He stared at her the same way, almost with the same childlike smile.

"Have you guessed?" he whispered finally.

"Oh my God!" burst out in a horrible cry from her chest.

She sank helplessly onto the bed with her face in the pillows, but a moment later she got up, moved quickly to him, grabbed both his hands and, gripping them tightly with her thin fingers, started looking into his face again with that same intense stare.

In that last, desperate look, she tried to look into him and catch some last bit of hope. But there was no hope; there was no doubt remaining; it was all true! Later on, when she remembered that moment, she thought it was weird and wondered why she’d seen right away that there was no doubt.

She couldn’t say she’d foreseen something like that - and yet now, as soon as he told her, she suddenly felt like she really had foreseen this very thing.

"Stop, Sonia, enough! Don’t mess with me," he begged, totally miserable.

It wasn’t supposed to go down like this, he’s been thinking of telling her. But this is what happened.

She jumped up, like she didn't even know what she was doing, and started wringing her hands, walking to the middle of the room. Then she quickly went back and sat down next to him, her shoulder almost touching his.

Suddenly, she flinched, like she’d been stabbed, let out a cry, and fell to her knees before him, not knowing why.

"What have you done - what have you done to yourself?" she said, sounding desperate, and jumped up, throwing herself onto his neck, wrapping her arms around him, and holding him tight.

Raskolnikov pulled back and looked at her with a sad little smile.

"You’re a weird girl, Sonia - you’re kissing and hugging me when I’m telling you about that... You don’t even think about what you’re doing."

"There’s nobody - nobody in the whole world as unhappy as you!" she cried, not even hearing what he said, and burst into a fit of sobbing.

A feeling he hadn’t felt in forever flooded his heart and softened it up instantly. He didn’t fight it. Two tears welled up in his eyes and clung to his eyelashes.

"So, you’re not leaving me, Sonia?" he asked, looking at her with a flicker of hope.

"No, no, never, nowhere!" Sonia cried. "I’ll follow you, I’ll follow you everywhere. Oh, my God! Oh, how awful I am!... Why, why didn’t I know you sooner? Why didn’t you come sooner? Oh, man!"

"Here I am."

"Yeah, now! What happens next?... Together, together!" she repeated, almost without thinking, and hugged him again.

"I’ll follow you to Siberia!"

He recoiled, and that same cold, almost arrogant smile came back to his lips.

"Maybe I don’t even want to go to Siberia yet, Sonia," he said.

Sonia looked at him quickly. Then, after her first wave of intense sympathy for the unlucky guy, the horrible idea of the murder hit her again.

From his changed tone, she thought she could hear the murderer speaking. She looked at him, totally confused. She didn't know why, how, or what his goal was.

And again, she couldn't believe it: "He, he’s a murderer! Could it really be true?"

"What’s the point of all this? Where am I?" she said, sounding lost, still trying to get her bearings. "How could you, you, a guy like you... How could you do something like that?... What does it all mean?"

"Oh, well - to steal. Drop it, Sonia," he answered, sounding exhausted, almost annoyed.

Sonia stood frozen, but suddenly she cried out:

"You were hungry! It was... to help your mom? Yeah?"

"No, Sonia, no," he muttered, turning away and hanging his head.

"I wasn’t that hungry... I definitely wanted to help my mom, but... that’s not really it either... Don’t mess with me, Sonia."

Sonia clasped her hands together.

"Could it, could it all be true? Good grief, what a truth! Who would believe it? And how could you give away your last penny and then rob and murder! Ah," she cried suddenly, "that money you gave Katerina Ivanovna... that money... Can that money..."

"No, Sonia," he interrupted quickly, "that money wasn’t it. Don’t stress yourself! That money my mom sent me and it came when I was sick, the day I gave it to you... Razumihin saw it... he got it for me... That money was mine - my own."

Sonia listened to him, totally confused, trying to understand.

"And that money... I don’t even know for sure if there was any money," he added softly, as if thinking it over.

"I grabbed a purse off her neck, made of chamois leather... a purse stuffed full of something... but I didn’t look inside; I guess I didn’t have time... And the stuff - chains and trinkets - I buried under a stone with the purse next morning in a yard off the V - - Prospect."

"They’re all still there now..."

Sonia strained to hear every word.

"Then why... why did you say you did it to rob, but you didn’t take anything?" she asked quickly, grabbing at a lifeline.

"I don’t know... I haven’t decided if I’m gonna take that money or not," he said, thinking it over again.

Then, like he suddenly woke up, he gave a short, sarcastic smile.

"Ugh, what am I even saying, right?"

The thought flashed through Sonia’s mind: was he crazy? But she brushed it off immediately.

"No, it was something else."

She couldn’t make sense of it, nothing.

"Listen, Sonia," he said suddenly, sounding really serious, "let me tell you: if I’d just killed because I was hungry," stressing every word and looking at her intensely but honestly, "I’d be happy right now. You gotta believe that!"

"What would it even matter to you," he cried a moment later, sounding desperate, "what do you get out of being all smug about me? Seriously, Sonia, was it for that I came to you today?"

Sonia tried to say something again, but nothing came out.

"I asked you to come with me yesterday because you’re all I have left."

"Go where?" Sonia asked shyly.

"Not to steal or murder, don’t worry," he smiled sadly.

"We’re so different... And you know, Sonia, it’s only now, just this second, that I realize where I asked you to go with me yesterday! Yesterday when I said it, I didn’t even know. I asked you for one thing, I came to you for one thing - don’t leave me. You won’t leave me, Sonia?"

She squeezed his hand.

"And why, why did I tell her? Why did I let her know?" he cried a minute later in despair, staring at her with so much pain. "You’re expecting an explanation from me, Sonia; you’re sitting here waiting, I can see it. But what can I tell you?"

You won’t understand and you’ll just be miserable... because of me! Well, you’re crying and hugging me again. Why do you do it? Because I couldn’t handle everything and wanted to dump it on someone else: you’re suffering too, and I’ll feel a little better!

"And can you even love such a messed-up person?"

"But aren’t you suffering too?" Sonia cried.

Again, a wave of that same feeling washed over him, softening him for a moment.

"Sonia, I’m not a good person, you need to know that. It might explain a lot. I came because I’m bad. There are guys who wouldn’t have come. But I’m a coward and... a total loser. But... never mind! That’s not the point. I gotta say something now, but I don’t even know where to start."

He paused and got lost in thought.

"Ugh, we’re so different," he cried again, "we’re not alike. And why, why did I come? I’ll never forgive myself for this."

"No, no, it was a good thing you came," Sonia cried. "It’s better I know, way better!"

He looked at her with anguish.

"What if it really was that?" he said, as if coming to a conclusion. "Yeah, that’s what it was! I wanted to be a Napoleon, that’s why I killed her... Do you get it now?"

"N-no," Sonia whispered, sounding innocent and timid. "Just tell me, tell me, I’ll understand, I’ll figure it out in my own way!" she kept begging him.

"You’ll understand? Alright, we’ll see!"

He paused and was lost in thought for a while.

"Okay, so here’s the deal: I was thinking about this one day - what if, like, Napoleon had been in my shoes?"

If he hadn’t had Toulon or Egypt or crossing the Alps to kickstart his career, but instead, he’d just had to, like, murder some random old lady, a pawnbroker, to get money from her safe (for his big plans, you know)? Would he have even done it if he had no other choice?

Wouldn’t he have felt a little weird about it being so... not epic and, like, kinda messed up? Well, I was seriously stressing over this ‘question,’ and I was super embarrassed when I realized, all of a sudden, that he probably wouldn’t have even batted an eye.

He wouldn't have thought it was weird or anything... he wouldn't have paused to think about it, and if he's been in a bind, he would’ve just strangled her without a second thought! So, yeah, I... I stopped thinking about it... murdered her, following his example.

"And that’s literally how it went down! Think that's funny?"

Sonia didn’t find it funny at all.

"You need to just tell me straight up... without all the examples," she begged, even more shyly and barely audible.

He turned to her, looked at her sadly, and took her hands.

"You’re right again, Sonia. Seriously, that’s all a bunch of hot air, mostly just talking! See, my mom barely has anything, my sister got a good education but ended up stuck working as a governess. All their hopes were pinned on me."

I was a student, but I couldn’t afford to stay at university and had to drop out for a while.

Even if I’d stuck it out, in ten or twelve years, I might (with a lot of luck) get some kind of teaching or office job with a salary of a thousand rubles" (he repeated it like he was reciting a lesson) "and by then my mom would be completely worn out from worry and sadness, and I wouldn’re be able to keep her comfortable while my sister...

well, my sister could have ended up way worse! And it’s a hard life, passing everything by, turning your back on everything, forgetting your mom and letting people be rude to your sister. Why would I?

When you end up burying them, burdening yourself with a wife and kids, and leaving them with nothing?

So, I decided to get my hands on the old lady’s money and use it to support myself for my first few years, to go back to university and stay there for a bit after I graduated - and to do it on a big scale, to build a whole new career and start a new life of independence... Well... that’s it...

"Of course, killing the old lady was wrong... Okay, that’s enough."

He finished his speech, totally exhausted, and slumped his head.

"Oh, that’s not it, that’s not it," Sonia cried, distressed. "How could you... no, that’s not right, not right."

"You see that it’s not right. But I’m telling the truth, it’s real."

"As if that could be the truth! Seriously?"

"I just killed a bug, Sonia, a useless, gross, harmful creature."

"A human being, and you say a bug!"

"I know it wasn’t a bug," he answered, looking strangely at her. "But I’m talking nonsense, Sonia," he added.

"I’ve been talking nonsense for a long time... That’s not it, you’re right about that. There were way, way other reasons for it! I haven’t talked to anyone in forever, Sonia... My head is killing me now."

His eyes were practically glowing, like he was burning up. He was almost tripping out; a weird smile kept flickering across his lips. You could see how exhausted he was, even with all the excitement. Sonia noticed he was really suffering, and she was starting to feel dizzy too.

He was talking so strangely; it was kind of understandable, but also... like, totally not.

"But how, how? Seriously, God!"

And she wrung her hands, totally freaking out.

"No, Sonia, that’s not it," he started again suddenly, lifting his head, like a new thought just hit him and shook him awake - "that’s not it! Better... imagine - yeah, it’s definitely better - imagine I’m vain, jealous, mean, low, vengeful, and... well, maybe a little crazy."

(Let’s just throw it all out there! They’re already talking about me being mad, I noticed. I told you earlier I couldn’t stay at the university. But do you know I probably could have? Mom would’ve sent me the money for tuition, and I could’ve made enough for clothes, boots, and food, no doubt.

Lessons paid half a ruble. Razumihin works! But I just pouted and wouldn’t. (Yeah, pouting, that’s the word for it! I just sat in my room like a spider. You’ve been in my den, you’ve seen it... And do you know, Sonia, that low ceilings and tiny rooms mess with your head? Ugh, I hated that attic!

And yet I wouldn’t leave it! I wouldn’t even on purpose! I didn’t go out for days, and I wouldn’t work, I wouldn’t even eat; I just laid there doing nothing. If Nastasya brought me anything, I ate it, if she didn’t, I went all day without; I wouldn’t ask, on purpose, just to be difficult!

At night I had no light, I just lay in the dark and wouldn’t even spend money on candles. I should’ve studied, but I sold my books; and there’s a ton of dust on the notebooks on my table. I just preferred lying still and thinking. And I kept thinking...

And I had dreams all the time, weird dreams, every kind you can imagine, no need to go into details! Only then did I start to wonder... No, that’s not it! I’m still explaining it wrong!

You see, I kept asking myself: why am I so dumb that if others are dumb - and I know they are - yet I won’t be smarter? Then I realized, Sonia, that if you wait for everyone to get smarter, it’s gonna take forever...

Afterwards, I understood that it would never happen, that people won’t change, and that nobody could alter it, and it wasn’t worth wasting effort on it. Yeah, that’s right. That’s just the way they are, Sonia... that’s the truth!...

And I know now, Sonia, that whoever is strong in mind and spirit will have power over them. Anyone who’s really daring is seen as right. He who looks down on most things will be a leader, and he who dares the most will be most in the right!

"It’s been that way so far, and it’s always gonna be that way. You gotta be blind not to see it!"

Though Raskolnikov was looking at Sonia as he said this, he didn't even care if she understood or not. The fever had totally taken over; he was in a kind of dark, intense state (he definitely hadn’t talked to anyone in too long).

Sonia felt like his messed-up beliefs had become his faith and his rules.

"I realized then, Sonia," he went on excitedly, "that power is only given to the person who dares to reach down and grab it. There’s only one thing, one thing that matters: you just gotta dare!"

Then, for the first time in my life, an idea popped into my head, an idea nobody had ever thought of before me, nobody! I saw it as clear as day how crazy it is that not a single person living in this messed-up world has dared to just go for it all and send it to hell! I...

"I wanted to have the daring... and I killed her. I just wanted to have the daring, Sonia! That was the whole reason for it!"

"Oh, hush, hush," cried Sonia, clasping her hands. "You turned away from God, and God has punished you, has given you over to the devil!"

"Then Sonia, when I used to lie there in the dark and all this became clear to me, was that a temptation of the devil, huh?"

"Shush, don’t laugh, you’ve got no idea! You seriously don’t get it! Oh my god! He won’t understand!"

"Shush, Sonia! I’m not laughing. I know it was the devil messing with me. Shush, Sonia, shush !" he repeated, sounding really bummed.

"I know it all, I’ve thought about it a million times, whispered it to myself, lying there in the dark... I’ve argued every point with myself, over and over, and I know it all, all! And how sick, how sick I was then of going over it all!"

I just wanted to forget it and start fresh, Sonia, stop thinking. And you don’t think I just jumped into this like an idiot? I went into it like I knew what I was doing, and that’s what got me into trouble.

And you can’t think I didn’t know, for example, that if I started to question if I had the right to gain power - I definitely didn’t - or if I asked myself if a person is just a creep, it proved I wasn’t one, even if someone else would just go for what they want without asking questions...

If I spent all those days worrying about whether Napoleon would have done it or not, I knew for sure I wasn’t Napoleon. I had to deal with all that mental battle, Sonia, and I just wanted to ditch it: I wanted to kill without making excuses, to kill for my own sake, for myself alone!

I didn’t even want to lie about it to myself. It wasn’t to help my mom I did it - that’s ridiculous - I didn’t do it to get rich and powerful and be a hero to everyone. Seriously?

I just did it; I did it for myself, for myself alone, and whether I helped others or spent my life like a spider trapping people and sucking them dry, I couldn’t have cared at that moment... And it wasn’t the money I wanted, Sonia, when I did it.

It wasn’t really about the money, but something else... I know it all now... Get this! Maybe I’d never commit another murder again. I wanted to figure something else out; it was something else that pushed me on.

"I wanted to find out then and fast whether I was a nobody like everyone else or a real person. Whether I could cross lines or not, whether I’d dare to reach down and grab something or not, whether I was just a scared person or if I had the guts..."

"To kill? Have the right to kill?"

Sonia clasped her hands.

"Ugh, Sonia!" he snapped, sounding annoyed and about to say something, but then just stayed silent. "Don’t interrupt me, Sonia."

I just want to prove one thing: the devil messed with me then, and he’s shown me since that I didn’t have the right to go down that path, because I’m just as much of a nobody as everyone else. He was messing with me, and here I am, visiting you now! Welcome your guest!

"If I wasn’t a nobody, would I have come to you? Listen: when I went then to the old woman’s, I just went to try..."

"And you murdered her!" "But how did I murder her? Is that how people do murders?"

"Do people go to commit a murder like I went then? I’ll tell you how it went down sometime! Did I murder the old woman? I murdered myself, not her! I crushed myself once and for all, forever..."

"But it was the devil that killed that old woman, not me. Enough, enough, Sonia, enough! Let me be!" he cried out in a sudden wave of pain, "let me be!"

He rested his elbows on his knees and squeezed his head in his hands as if it was trapped in a vise.

"What suffering!" Sonia wailed, sounding heartbroken.

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" he asked suddenly, raising his head and looking at her with a face twisted with despair.

"What are you gonna do?" she cried, jumping up, and her eyes that had been full of tears suddenly started to sparkle. "Get up!"

(She grabbed him by the shoulder, and he stood up, looking at her kinda confused.)

"Go right now, this minute, stand at the crossroads, bow down, first kiss the ground you’re disrespecting and then bow down to the whole world and tell everyone out loud, ‘I’m a murderer!’ Then God will give you life again."

Will you go, will you go?" she asked him, shaking all over, grabbing his hands, squeezing them tight, and staring at him with fiery eyes."

He was stunned by her sudden excitement.

"You mean Siberia, Sonia? I have to turn myself in?" he asked, sounding down.

"Suffer and pay for your sin, that’s what you have to do."

"No way! I’m not going to them, Sonia!"

But how are you gonna live? What are you gonna live for? cried Sonia. How is that even possible now? How can you even talk to your mom? (Oh, what’s gonna happen to them now? But what am I even saying? You already abandoned your mom and your sister. He’s already abandoned them!

Oh, God! she cried. He knows everything himself. How, how can he even live alone! What’s gonna happen to you?

"Don’t be a kid, Sonia," he said softly. "What wrong have I done them? Why should I go to them? What should I even say? That’s just a fantasy... They destroy people by the millions and think it's a good thing. They’re jerks and crooks, Sonia! I’m not going to them."

And what would I even say - that I murdered her, but I didn’t even dare to take the money and hid it under a stone?" he added with a bitter smile. "They’d laugh at me and call me a fool for not grabbing it. A coward and a fool! They wouldn’t understand and they don’t deserve to.

"Why should I go to them? I’m not. Don’t be a kid, Sonia..."

"It’s gonna be too much for you to handle, too much!" she repeated, holding out her hands in desperate plea.

"Maybe I’m being too hard on myself," he muttered, thinking it over.

"Maybe after all, I’m a person, not a bug, and I’m rushing to judge myself. I’ll fight for it again."

A smug smile appeared on his lips.

"What a burden to carry! And your whole life, your whole life!"

"I’ll get used to it," he said grimly and thoughtfully. "Listen," he began a minute later, "stop crying, it’s time to talk facts: the police are after me, on my trail..."

"Oh my gosh!" Sonia cried in fear.

"Well, why are you freaking out? You wanted me to go to Siberia and now you’re scared? But let me tell you: I’m not turning myself in. I’ll fight for it, and they won’t do anything to me. They don’t have real proof."

Yesterday I was in serious danger and thought I was done for; but today things are going better. Everything they know can be explained two ways, which means I can turn their accusations into something good for me, get it? And I will, because I’ve learned my lesson.

But they’re definitely gonna arrest me. If something hadn’t happened, they would’ve done so today, maybe even now they’ll arrest me... but that’s not a big deal, Sonia; they’ll let me out again... because there’s no real proof against me, and there won’t be, I promise you.

And they can’t convict someone on what they have against me. Enough... I’m just telling you so you know... I’ll try to figure out how to tell my mom and sister so they won’t be freaked out... My sister’s future is secure, I think... and my mom’s has to be too... Well, that’s all. Be careful, though.

"Will you come and see me in jail when I’m there?"

"Oh, I will, I will."

They sat side by side, both super bummed and down, like they’d been washed ashore alone on a deserted beach after a crazy storm. He looked at Sonia and realized just how much she loved him, and weirdly, it suddenly felt heavy and painful to be so loved. Seriously, it was a strange and awful feeling!

On his way to see her, he’d thought all his hopes rested on her; he expected to feel better, at least a little. But now, when her whole heart was turned towards him, he suddenly felt even worse than before.

"Sonia," he said, "you shouldn’t come see me when I’m in prison."

Sonia didn’t answer; she was crying. A few minutes passed.

"Do you have a cross?" she asked, like she’d just remembered.

He didn’t understand the question at first.

"No, of course not. Here, take this one, made of cypress wood. I’d also have a copper one that belonged to Lizaveta. We swapped - she gave me her cross and I gave her my little icon. I’ll wear Lizaveta’s now and give you this one. Take it... it’s mine! It’s mine, you know," she begged him.

"We’ll go through this together, and together we’ll deal with it!"

"Give it to me," said Raskolnikov.

He didn’t want to hurt her feelings. But immediately, he pulled back his hand when he reached for the cross.

"Not now, Sonia. Later," he added, trying to comfort her.

"Yeah yeah, later," she repeated, sounding sure of herself.

"When you go to face your suffering, then put it on. You’ll come to me, and I’ll put it on you. We’ll pray and go together."

Just then, someone knocked three times at the door.

"Sofya Semyonovna, can I come in?" they heard in a really familiar and polite voice.

Sonia rushed to the door, totally freaked out. Mr. Lebeziatnikov’s blond hair popped into view at the doorway.