Chapter 18A Flood of Sunshine

Arthur Dimmesdale looked at Hester's face. There was hope and joy there, for sure, but also fear - and a kind of shock at her nerve. She'd said out loud what he only hinted at, but couldn’t bring himself to say. Hester Prynne, though, had a mind that was quick and strong.

She’d been shut out from society for so long, basically an outcast. She was used to thinking in ways a minister just wouldn’t get. She's wandered without a map, really, in a moral wilderness.

It was as big, complicated, and shadowy as the wild forest where they were talking - a conversation that would decide everything. Her mind and heart lived in lonely places, and she roamed them freely, like a wild Native American in the woods.

For years, she's been watching human rules and what priests and lawmakers set up. She judged it all, with about as much respect as a Native American would give a priest’s collar, a judge’s robes, the stocks, the gallows, a cozy fire, or a church. Her life had pushed her to be free.

The scarlet letter was her ticket to places other women wouldn't even go near. Shame, Despair, Solitude! They were her teachers - tough and wild ones - and they’d made her strong, but also taught her some seriously messed-up stuff.

The minister, though, hadn't really had any life experiences that pushed him outside the usual rules. Except for one time, he’d seriously broken a big one. But it was a mistake of the heart, not a choice or even a plan.

Ever since that awful time, he's watched everything - not just his actions, which were easy to control - but every feeling, every thought. Being at the top of society, like the clergy were back then, just made him more tied down by the rules, beliefs, and even the biases.

As a priest, his order kept him boxed in. But as a man who’d messed up once, yet kept his conscience super aware and sensitive by constantly worrying about an old wound, you'd think he'd be safer than someone who's never made a mistake.

It felt like Hester Prynne's entire seven years of being an outcast and feeling shame had all led to this moment. But Arthur Dimmesdale! If he messed up again, what could possibly excuse him? Nothing, unless you consider that he’s been crushed by so much pain - like, seriously.

His mind was messed up by his own guilt, too. He was stuck between running away and pretending everything was fine, and it's tough to know what’s the right thing to do. It’s human to want to avoid danger and shame, and to deal with someone trying to mess with you.

And honestly, for this poor guy walking his lonely, awful path, feeling weak, sick, and miserable, a glimpse of kindness and understanding showed up - a chance at a new, real life, instead of the punishment he was paying.

But the harsh, sad truth is, once guilt breaks into your soul, it never really heals. You can watch it and protect yourself, so the bad stuff doesn't come back. Maybe the enemy will even try another way in.

But there’s still that broken wall, and that sneaky feeling that the foe is lurking, wanting to relive their victory. There wasn’t much of a fight. The clergyman decided to bolt, and he wasn't going solo.

"If, over these past seven years," he thought, "I could remember just one moment of peace or hope, I’d keep going, just for a hint of Heaven’s kindness. But now - since I’ve messed up beyond repair - why shouldn’t I grab the comfort they give people before they’re executed?"

"Or, if this is the road to a better life, like Hester thinks, I’m not giving up anything worthwhile by trying! Besides, I cann't live without her anymore; she’s so strong, so gentle. He looked up, "God, I can barely even look at you, but will you forgive me?"

"You’re doing it," Hester said, looking him in the eye. Once he’s made up his mind, a weird sense of excitement washed over him. It was like how a prisoner feels escaping from a dark cell - breathing in the fresh, wild air of a place that doesn't follow any rules.

His spirit suddenly felt lighter, closer to the sky than it had in all his misery. He was a deeply religious guy, so there was a spiritual vibe to his feelings. Am I actually feeling joy again? he asked himself, surprised. I thought it was gone forever! Hester, you’re my angel!

"It’s like I just threw myself - sick, covered in sin, and drowning in sorrow - onto these leaves, and now I’m new, with fresh strength to praise the one who’d been so kind! He grinned, "This is already a better life! Why didn’t we find this sooner?"

"Let’s not dwell on the past," Hester Prynne replied. "It’s gone. Why keep looking back?" She gestured, "With this symbol, I’m erasing it all. Making it like it never happened."

"So speaking," she unfastened the clasp on the scarlet letter. She took it from her chest and tossed it away, among the dried-up leaves. The strange symbol landed close to the edge of the stream. Just a little further, and it would have fallen into the water.

Then the little brook would have another sad story to carry along, on top of the one it already whispered about. But there it lay, the embroidered letter shining like a lost gem. Someone unlucky might find it and then be haunted by weird feelings of guilt, a sinking heart, and just plain bad luck.

The shame was gone, and Hester let out this huge, deep sigh, like a weight had just lifted off her. Seriously, what a relief! She didn't realize how heavy it had been until she felt free.

On a whim, she took off the stiff cap that was holding her hair up, and it just cascaded down her shoulders - dark, rich, with a shadow and a light all mixed in. It softened her whole face. A warm, tender smile played around her mouth and shone out of her eyes, like it was bursting from her heart.

A blush bloomed on her cheeks, which had been so pale for so long. Her femininity, her youth, her beauty - everything came back from the past, and wrapped around her with a new hope and a happiness she’s never known, all within this moment.

And it was like the darkness of the forest and the sky was just reflecting their sadness, because it vanished with their sorrow.

Suddenly, the sun just exploded through the trees, flooding the dark forest with light, making every leaf shine, turning the yellow leaves to gold, and sparkling down the gray trunks of the trees. Everything that used to be shadowy was glowing now.

You could follow the little brook by the way it shimmered, deep into the mysterious woods, which now felt like a place of joy. That’s just how Nature felt - that wild, untamed Nature of the forest, never controlled by rules, never touched by deeper truths - with the happiness of these two souls!

Love, whether it’s brand new or waking up from a long sleep, always creates sunshine, filling your heart with so much light that it spills out into the world. Even if the forest was still dark, it would have looked bright through Hester’s eyes, and bright through Arthur Dimmesdale’s!

Hester looked at him with this rush of another kind of happiness.

"You gotta know Pearl!" she said. "Our little Pearl! You’ve seen her - yeah, I know it - but you’ll see her differently now. She’s a weird kid, honestly! I barely get her, but you're gonna love her like I do, and tell me how to handle her."

"Do you think she’s gonna like me?" asked the minister, a little nervous. "I’ve always kinda avoided kids. They often seem suspicious, like they don’t wanna be around me. I've even been freaked out by little Pearl! "That was rough," she replied. "But she’s gonna love you, and you her. She’s not far."

"I’ll call her! Pearl! Pearl!" "I see the kid," he said. "There she is, standing in a patch of sunshine, pretty far away, across the stream. So, you think she’ll like me?"

Hester smiled, and called out to Pearl again, who was visible at a distance, just like the minister described: a bright little figure, in a sunbeam, shining through the trees.

The light shimmered, making her look blurry or clear - sometimes like a real kid, sometimes like a kid’s ghost - as the light came and went. She heard her mom's voice and started walking through the woods slowly.

Pearl hadn’t noticed the time flying by while her mom chatted with the minister. The huge, dark forest - serious-looking to those who brought their worries and problems into it - became a friend to the lonely baby, as much as it could. Even though it was gloomy, it showed her its nicest side.

It offered her partridge-berries, leftover from last fall, but only ripening in the spring, now bright red like drops of blood on the dry leaves. Pearl picked them and loved their wild taste. The little creatures of the woods barely bothered to get out of her way.

A partridge, with ten chicks behind her, even ran forward, looking tough, but quickly changed her mind and clucked to her babies not to be scared. A pigeon, all by itself on a low branch, let Pearl come underneath and made a sound like a hello, but also a little warning.

A squirrel, way up in his tree, chattered - either mad or laughing - because a squirrel is such a grumpy and funny little thing, it’s hard to tell what he's feeling - so he chattered at the kid and dropped a nut on her head. It was a nut from last year and already chewed on by his teeth.

A fox, woken up by her footsteps on the leaves, looked at Pearl, wondering if he should sneak away or take another nap. A wolf, it's said - but this part of the story seems a bit far-fetched - came up and sniffed Pearl’s dress, even offering his wild head to be petted.

But really, the forest and all the wild things it took care of saw a bit of their own wildness in the little human kid.

She was way softer here than she was back in the settlement, or even at her mom’s place. The flowers totally noticed. They kinda murmured as she walked by, "Dress yourself up with me, you’re so pretty, dress yourself up with me!"

So, to make them happy, Pearl grabbed some violets, anemones, columbines, and a bunch of fresh green twigs that the old trees were practically handing her.

She used them to decorate her hair and her waist, and she looked like a little woodland spirit, or a baby tree nymph, or whatever felt right with the old woods. That’s how Pearl looked when she heard her mom's voice and started heading back. Slowly; because she spotted the minister.