Chapter 22

The trip was finally over. We landed and headed to Paris. I quickly realized I'd pushed myself too hard and needed to rest before I could keep going. My dad was super attentive, but he didn’t know why I was suffering and was trying the wrong things to fix it. He wanted me to get out and socialize.

I couldn't even stand looking at people. Okay, not couldn't stand it - it was just...intense. They were my brothers, my fellow humans, and I even felt drawn to the most unappealing ones, like they were angelic and beautifully made. But I knew I didn’t deserve to be around them.

I’d unleashed a monster among them, someone who got a thrill from hurting people and enjoying their pain. If they knew what I’d done, what I started, they’d all hate me and chase me out of the world! Eventually, my dad gave in and let me avoid people, trying to cheer me up with all sorts of things.

Sometimes he thought I was just bummed about being accused of murder, and he tried to convince me that pride was pointless. Dad, I said, you have no idea what’s going on with me. Humans, their feelings and stuff...they’d be totally ruined if someone like me felt pride.

"Justine, poor Justine, was as innocent as I am, and she got the same charge. She died for it, and I’m the reason - I killed her. William, Justine, and Henry - they all died because of me."

My dad had often heard me say the same thing while I was locked up. When I’d accuse myself like that, he’d sometimes seem to want me to explain, and other times he thought I was just tripping, that some random thought had popped into my head during my sickness, and I just remembered it later.

I didn’t explain, just stayed quiet about the person I’d made. I figured they’d think I was crazy, and that would just shut me up for good. Plus, I couldn’t tell a secret that would totally freak someone out and fill them with pure terror.

So, I held back my need for sympathy and stayed silent, even though I’d give anything to have told someone the awful truth. Still, words like the ones I’d written would just spill out of me. I couldn't explain them, but it felt a little better to get them out there.

My dad said, with a look of total shock, Victor, seriously, what’s going on with you? Don’t ever say something like that again. I’m not crazy, I shouted. The sun and the sky, they saw what I did, and they can vouch for me. I’m the one who killed those innocent people; they died because of me.

"I’d have given anything - every drop of my own blood - to have saved them, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t sacrifice the whole world." Hearing that, my dad decided I was off the rails and quickly changed the topic.

He really tried to steer my thoughts elsewhere and never talked about what happened in Ireland or let me mention my bad luck.

As time went on, I chilled out a bit; misery was living in my heart, but I wasn't rambling about my crimes anymore. Just knowing what I'd done was enough. I totally reined in that desperate voice inside, the one that wanted to shout everything to the world.

My vibe was way calmer and more together than it had been since that trip to the ice sea. A few days before we left Paris for Switzerland, I got this letter from Elizabeth: "My dear Friend, "I was so stoked to get a letter from my uncle, he was in Paris!

You're not so far away anymore, and I might see you in less than two weeks. My poor cousin, you must have been through so much! I'm expecting you to look even worse than when you left Geneva. This winter has been brutal, I’m a wreck from worrying.

But I’m hoping to see some peace on your face and find that your heart isn’t totally empty and chill. "Still, I’m worried the same feelings are still there that made you so messed up a year ago, maybe even worse now. I don’t want to bug you during this time, when you’re already dealing with so much."

But a chat I had with my uncle before he left means I need to explain something before we meet. Explanation? You’re probably thinking, What could Elizabeth possibly have to explain? If you’re thinking that, then I'm good and all my worries are gone.

But you're far away, and it's possible you’re both scared and excited about this explanation. And if that’s the case, I can’t put off writing what I've wanted to say during your absence, but never had the guts to start.

"You know, Victor, our families have always wanted us to be together, like, since we were kids. We heard it growing up, and we were supposed to just expect it. We were close, best friends, playing around all the time. And as we got older, I really thought we were close, you know?"

"But sometimes siblings are super affectionate without wanting anything more. Maybe that’s us? Tell me, seriously. Tell me the truth, I’m begging you - aren’t you into someone else? "You’ve been traveling; you’ve spent years at Ingolstadt.

Last fall, when I saw you so down, totally avoiding everyone, I figured you were regretting us and felt obligated to do what your parents wanted, even if it went against what you wanted. But that’s not right. I’m telling you, I’ve got feelings for you.

In my daydreams about the future, you’ve always been my friend, my go-to person. But I want your happiness, too. I’m being honest when I say that marrying me would make me miserable forever unless you really, truly wanted it.

Even now, I’m tearing up thinking that you might bury all hope for love and happiness - that would actually fix you - because you’re feeling pressured by some idea of honor. I’m being so selfless here, and I could make things way worse for you.

Seriously, Victor, your cousin and your friend has so much love for you that it’s killing me to think you’re not into me. Be happy, my friend; and if you do me this one favor, just know that nothing will mess with my peace of mind.

"Don’t sweat this letter, okay? Seriously, don’t reply tomorrow, or the next day, or even until you see me. If checking in gives you stress, just ignore it."

"My uncle will let me know how you’re doing, and honestly, if I see just one smile on your face when we finally meet - no matter what I did to make it happen - that's all I'll need. "Elizabeth Lavenza.

"Geneva, May eighteenth, seventeen - " That letter totally brought back something I’d forgotten: the fiend’s threat - "I’m gonna be there on your wedding night!"

That was my deal, and on that night, he was gonna use every trick in the book to destroy me and snatch away the little bit of happiness I was starting to feel. He’s determined to finish his evil deeds with my death. Fine. Then we’ll have a serious showdown.

If he wins, I’m at peace, and he’s got no power over me anymore. If I win, I’m a free man. But what kind of freedom is that, really?

Like a peasant whose family has been murdered in front of him, his house burned down, his land ruined, and he’s left with nothing - homeless, broke, and alone, but technically free. That's what my freedom would be, except I have Elizabeth.

But even that's balanced by the horrible guilt and regret that will haunt me until I die.

Sweet and beloved Elizabeth! I read and reread her letter, and some softened feelings crept into my heart, daring to whisper about amazing dreams of love and happiness. But the apple was already eaten, and the angel’s arm was ready to drive me away from all hope. Yet, I'd die to make her happy.

If the monster followed through with his threat, death was inevitable. Still, I wondered if my marriage would speed up my fate. My destruction might arrive a few months sooner, but if

my torturer suspected I was delaying it because of his threats, he’d find other, maybe even worse, ways to get revenge. He’d vowed to be with me on my wedding night, but that didn’t mean he’d be peaceful in the meantime.

As if to show he wasn’t done with the bloodshed, he’d killed Clerval right after making those threats. So, I decided that if marrying my cousin would make her or my father happy, his threats against my life wouldn’t delay it even a minute. I wrote to Elizabeth feeling this way.

My letter was calm and affectionate. I fear, my beloved girl, I said, we don’t have much happiness left on earth. But everything I could ever want is centered in you. Put your worries aside; I dedicate my life and all my efforts for happiness to you alone.

I have one secret, Elizabeth, a really scary one. When I tell you, it's gonna freak you out, and then you're not going to be surprised by my misery - you’ll just wonder how I’ve survived what I’ve been through.

"I’ll share this story of misery and terror with you the day after our wedding, because, my sweet cousin, we need to have total trust between us. But until then, I'm begging you, don’t mention or hint at it. I’m really serious about this, and I know you’ll do it."

About a week after Elizabeth’s letter arrived, we headed back to Geneva. The sweet girl greeted me with tons of affection, but there were tears in her eyes when she saw how skinny and feverish I looked. I noticed a change in her, too.

She was thinner and had lost a lot of that amazing energy that used to charm me; but her gentleness and soft, compassionate looks made her a better match for someone as wrecked and miserable as I was. The peace I was feeling didn't last.

Memories brought on craziness, and when I thought about what had happened, real insanity took over. Sometimes I was furious and burning with rage, sometimes I was totally down and despondent. I didn't talk to anyone or look at them, just sat there frozen, overwhelmed by all the misery.

Elizabeth was the only one who could pull me out of those episodes. Her gentle voice would calm me down when I was caught up in my feelings and remind me I was human when I was completely out of it. She cried with me and for me.

When I finally came to my senses, she’d talk to me and try to get me to accept what happened. Ugh, it's good for people who are hurting to let go, but for someone who’s done wrong, there's no peace. The pain of regret can ruin even the comfort you sometimes find in letting yourself grieve.

Not long after I got there, my dad started talking about me getting married to Elizabeth right away. I didn't say anything. So, do you have someone else you’re into? No way. I love Elizabeth and I’m stoked about us being together.

"Let’s set a date; and on that day, I’ll dedicate myself, whether I live or die, to making my cousin happy."

"Victor, seriously, don’t talk like that," she said. "We’ve been through a lot, but let’s hold onto what we have and channel our love for those we lost to the people still here. Our group will be small, but super close, bonded by all we’ve been through."

And when you’re feeling a little better, new people will come into our lives to fill the void. That was my dad’s advice. But the threat kept popping back into my head. You know, even though the creature had already done some seriously messed-up stuff, I almost thought he was unbeatable."

And when he said, "I’ll be there on your wedding night," I felt like our fate was sealed. But honestly, I’d take death over losing Elizabeth. So, I told my dad I was totally on board with the wedding, as long as my cousin was down, and we’d do it in ten days.

I thought I was just sealing my own doom, you know? Seriously, God! If I’ve even thought for a second what my monstrous enemy was planning, I would’ve ditched my hometown and wandered the earth alone instead of agreeing to this whole thing.

But the creature had some kind of magic power, totally blinding me to what he was really up to. I thought I was just prepping for my own death, but I ended up rushing a much more important one.

As our wedding day got closer, I felt my heart sink, like, seriously. Was it fear or just a weird feeling? I hid it with a super cheerful act that made my dad smile, but Elizabeth totally saw through it. She was chill about getting married, a little nervous, sure, but mostly content.

She worried that what felt so real and happy could just vanish, leaving nothing but major regret. Everyone was congratulating us and smiling. I kept my anxiety locked away and pretended to be all into my dad's plans, even though they felt like decorations for a disaster.

Luckily, my dad got some of Elizabeth’s inheritance back from the Austrian government. She had this sweet little place on Lake Como. We planned to head there right after the wedding and spend our first days together by the lake. I was seriously prepping to defend myself if that monster showed up.

I always had a pistol and a dagger on me, and I was always looking out for tricks. That helped me feel a lot calmer. Honestly, as the wedding got closer, the threat seemed like a total delusion.

The happiness I was hoping for felt really real, and everyone kept saying the wedding was definitely happening, no way to stop it.

Elizabeth seemed happy, and my chill vibe totally helped calm her down. But on the day that was supposed to make my dreams and destiny come true, she was feeling bummed, like something bad was gonna happen. Maybe she was also thinking about the huge secret I’d promised to spill to her the next day.

My dad was stoked, though, and in all the chaos of getting ready, he just saw his niece’s sadness as a bride's nerves. After the ceremony, a big group gathered at my dad’s, but it was decided that Elizabeth and I would start our trip by boat, sleeping in Evian that night and continuing the next day.

The weather was awesome, the wind was perfect - everything smiled on our wedding trip. Those were the last moments I actually felt happy. We zipped along; the sun was blazing, but we were sheltered by a kind of roof while we soaked in the scenery.

Sometimes we saw Mont Salêve, the chill banks of Montalègre, and way off in the distance, Mont Blanc, looking majestic, and all the other snowy mountains trying to keep up.

"Other times we cruised along the opposite side, seeing the mighty Jura standing strong, a huge roadblock for anyone trying to ditch their home country or take it over. I took Elizabeth’s hand. "You seem down, babe. Ugh!

"If you knew what I’ve been through and what I might still have to deal with, you’d try to let me enjoy this one day of peace and freedom from all the despair."

"Be happy, my dear Victor," Elizabeth said. "I hope nothing’s stressing you out, and know that even if I don’t look super thrilled, my heart’s totally good. Something’s telling me not to get too hyped about what’s ahead, but I’m gonna ignore that shady vibe."

"Look how fast we’re moving and how the clouds, sometimes hiding and sometimes popping above Mont Blanc, make this view even more awesome. Check out all the fish swimming in the clear water - we can see every pebble at the bottom. What a gorgeous day! Nature looks so chill and happy!"

Elizabeth tried to keep our minds off anything gloomy. Her mood would shift; joy would flash in her eyes, but it always faded into daydreaming. The sun was sinking; we crossed the Drance and watched it wind through the canyons of the hills and the valleys below.

The Alps were getting closer to the lake, and we approached the ring of mountains that make up its eastern edge. Evian’s spire sparkled through the trees and the layers of mountains above it. The wind, which had been pushing us along so fast, died down to a light breeze at sunset.

The soft air barely rippled the water and made the trees sway gently as we got closer to the shore, where the air smelled like flowers and fresh hay. The sun dipped below the horizon as we landed, and as I stepped onto the shore, those worries and fears I’m about to deal with came flooding back.