Chapter 11Who Stole the Tarts?

The King and Queen of Hearts were chilling on their throne when everyone arrived - a bunch of little birds and beasts, plus the whole deck of cards. The Knave was standing there in chains, with a guard on either side.

Near the King was the White Rabbit, holding a trumpet in one hand and a scroll in the other. Right in the middle of the court was a table with a giant plate of tarts! They looked so good, it made Alice super hungry.

"I wish they’d hurry up with the trial and pass out snacks!" she thought.

But it didn't look like that was happening anytime soon, so she started looking around to kill time.

Alice had never been to a courtroom before, but she’s read about them in books, and she was pretty proud to know what almost everything was called.

"That’s the judge," she said to herself, "because of his huge wig."

The judge, by the way, was the King. And with his crown on top of the wig (check out the front of the book if you want to see how he did it), he didn’t exactly look comfortable, and it definitely wasn’t a good look for him.

"And that’s the jury box," thought Alice, "and those twelve creatures."

(She had to call them creatures, you know, because some were animals and some were birds.)

"I guess they’re the jurors."

She repeated that last word a few times to herself, feeling kind of proud of herself, because she thought, and she was right, that not many little girls her age even knew what it meant.

"Jurymen" would have been just as good, though.

The twelve jurors were all writing really hard on slates.

"What are they doing?" Alice whispered to the Gryphon. "They can’t have anything to write down yet, before the trial starts."

"They’re writing down their names," the Gryphon whispered back, "so they don’t forget them before the trial’s over."

"Seriously? Alice started to say out loud, in a really annoyed voice, but she stopped quickly, because the White Rabbit yelled, "Quiet in court!" and the King put on his glasses and looked around anxiously, trying to figure out who was talking.

Alice could see, as if she was looking over their shoulders, that all the jurors were writing down "stupid things!" on their slates.

She could even see that one of them didn’t know how to spell "stupid" and had to ask his neighbor to help him. "This is gonna be a total mess before the trial is done!" thought Alice.

One of the jurors had a pencil that squeaked. Alice couldn’t stand it, so she went around the court and snuck up behind him and quickly snatched it away. The poor little juror (it was Bill, the Lizard) couldn’t figure out what had happened to it at all.

So, after searching everywhere for it, he had to write with his finger for the rest of the day, which didn’t leave a single mark on the slate.

"Herald, read the accusation!" said the King.

The White Rabbit blew three blasts on the trumpet and unrolled the scroll, and read: -

"The Queen of Hearts made some tarts, All on a summer day: The Knave of Hearts stole those tarts, And took them quite away!"

"Consider your verdict," said the King to the jury.

"Not yet, not yet!" the Rabbit said quickly. "There’s still a lot more to come!"

"Call the first witness," said the King, and the White Rabbit blew three blasts on the trumpet and called out, "First witness!"

The first witness was the Hatter. He came in with a teacup in one hand and a piece of bread-and-butter in the other.

"I beg your pardon, your Majesty," he began, "for bringing these in: but I hadn’t quite finished my tea when I was sent for."

"You should have finished," said the King. "When did you start?"

The Hatter glanced at the March Hare, who had followed him into the court, practically arm-in-arm with the Dormouse.

"Fourteenth of March, I think it was," he said.

"Fifteenth," said the March Hare.

"Sixteenth," added the Dormouse.

"Write that down," the King said to the jury, and the jury quickly wrote down all three dates on their slates, then added them up and figured out the total in shillings and pence.

"Take off your hat," the King said to the Hatter.

"It isnn't mine," said the Hatter.

"Stolen!" the King exclaimed, turning to the jury, who instantly wrote down that fact.

"I keep them to sell," the Hatter added, explaining; "I don’t have any of my own. I’m a hatter."

Here the Queen put on her glasses and started staring at the Hatter, who turned pale and got all fidgety.

"Give your evidence," said the King; "and don’t be nervous, or I’ll have you executed right here, on the spot."

That didn’t seem to encourage the witness at all. He kept shifting from one foot to the other, looking nervously at the Queen, and in his confusion, he bit a big piece out of his teacup instead of the bread-and-butter.

Just then, Alice felt a really weird sensation, which confused her a lot until she realized what it was: she was starting to grow bigger again. At first, she thought she’d get up and leave the court, but then she decided to just stay put as long as there was room.

"I wish you wouldn’t squeeze so," said the Dormouse, who was sitting next to her. "I can hardly breathe."

"I can’t help it," said Alice very meekly. "I’m growing."

"You have no right to grow here," said the Dormouse.

"Don’t talk nonsense," said Alice more boldly. "You know you’re growing too."

"Yes, but I grow at a reasonable pace," said the Dormouse. "Not in that ridiculous way."

And he got up, super sulky, and crossed over to the other side of the court.

The whole time, the Queen hadn’t stopped staring at the Hatter, and just as the Dormouse crossed the court, she said to one of the court officials, "Bring me the list of the singers from the last concert! The poor Hatter started to tremble so much that he shook both his shoes off.

"Give your evidence," the King repeated angrily, "or I’ll have you executed, nervous or not."

"I’m a poor man, your Majesty," the Hatter began, in a trembling voice, " - and I hadn’t even started my tea - not more than a week or so - and with the bread-and-butter getting so thin - and the tea twinkling - "

"The twinkling of what?" said the King.

"It started with the tea," the Hatter replied.

"Of course twinkling starts with a T!" said the King sharply. "Do you take me for a fool? Go on!"

"I’m a poor man," the Hatter went on, "and most things twinkled after that - only the March Hare said - "

"I didn’t!" the March Hare interrupted in a big hurry.

"You did!" said the Hatter.

"I deny it!" said the March Hare.

"He denies it," said the King. "Leave out that part."

"Well, at any rate, the Dormouse said - " the Hatter went on, looking anxiously around to see if he’d deny it too, but the Dormouse didn’t say anything, because he was fast asleep.

"After that," continued the Hatter, "I cut some more bread-and-butter - "

"But what did the Dormouse say?" one of the jury asked.

"I can’t remember," said the Hatter.

"You must remember," remarked the King, "or I’ll have you executed."

The miserable Hatter dropped his teacup and bread-and-butter, and got down on one knee.

"I’m a poor man, your Majesty," he began.

"You’re a very poor speaker," said the King.

Here one of the guinea-pigs cheered, and was immediately quieted by the court officials. (That’s a tricky word, so let me explain how they did it. They had a big canvas bag, tied shut at the top with strings. They put the guinea-pig in headfirst, and then sat on top of it.)

"That’s so cool, I actually saw that happen," thought Alice.

"I’ve read in the news, at the end of trials, ‘There were some attempts at clapping, but the court officers shut it down fast,’ and I never really got what that meant - until now."

"If that’s all you know about it, you can leave," continued the King.

"I can’t go any lower," said the Hatter: "I’m already on the floor!"

"Then you may sit down," the King replied.

Here the other guinea-pig cheered, but they shut him up right away.

"Okay, that finished the guinea-pigs!" thought Alice.

"Now things will go better."

"I’d rather finish my tea," said the Hatter, looking worriedly at the Queen, who was reading a list of singers.

"You may go," said the King, and the Hatter rushed out of the court, not even bothering to put on his shoes.

" - and just take his head off outside," the Queen added to one of the officers, but the Hatter was already gone before the officer could reach the door.

"Call the next witness!" said the King.

The next witness was the Duchess’s cook. She was holding a pepper shaker, and Alice knew who it was even before she got to the court, because everyone near the door started sneezing all at once.

"Give your evidence," said the King.

"I’m not going to!" said the cook.

The King looked anxiously at the White Rabbit, who whispered, "Your Majesty needs to question this witness."

"Well, if I have to, I have to," said the King, looking sad, and after folding his arms and glaring at the cook until he could barely see his eyes, he said in a deep voice, "What are tarts made of?"

"Pepper, mostly," said the cook.

"Treacle," said a sleepy voice from behind her.

"Grab that Dormouse!" the Queen screamed.

"Behead that Dormouse! Kick that Dormouse out of court! Shut him down! Pinch him! Take off his whiskers!"

For a few minutes, the whole court was a mess, getting the Dormouse kicked out, and by the time they calmed down, the cook had disappeared.

"Never mind!" said the King, looking relieved. "Call the next witness."

And he added quietly to the Queen, "Really, my dear, you have to question the next witness. It’s giving me a headache!"

Alice watched the White Rabbit as he nervously looked over the list, feeling really curious about who the next witness would be - "they don't have much proof yet," she thought. Imagine her surprise when the White Rabbit read out, in his tiny, squeaky voice, the name "Alice!"