Chapter 9The Mock Turtle’s Story

"You can’t even imagine how happy I am to see you again, you sweet thing!" said the Duchess, giving Alice a friendly hug and walking off with her.

Alice was super glad to see her in such a good mood and thought maybe it was just the pepper that made her so grumpy when they met in the kitchen.

"When I’m a Duchess," she said to herself (though she wasn’t feeling very confident about it), "I’m not having any pepper in my kitchen ever."

"Soup is totally fine without it - Maybe it’s always pepper that makes people mad, and vinegar that makes them sour - and camomile that makes them bitter - and - and barley-sugar and stuff that makes kids sweet! I wish people knew that: then they wouldn’t be so stingy about it, you know - "

She’s totally forgotten about the Duchess by now, and was a little startled when she heard her voice close to her ear.

"You’re daydreaming, my dear, and that makes you forget to talk. I can’t tell you what the point of that is just yet, but I’ll remember it later."

"Maybe it doesn’t have one," Alice said shyly.

"Silly!" said the Duchess. "Everything has a point, if you just look for it."

And she snuggled closer to Alice’s side as she spoke.

Alice didn’t really like being so close to her: first, because the Duchess was pretty ugly; and second, because she was just the right height to rest her chin on Alice’s shoulder, and it was a super sharp chin. But she didn't want to be rude, so she put up with it as well as she could.

"The game’s going pretty well now," she said, just to keep the conversation going.

"Totally," said the Duchess: "and the point of that is - ‘Oh, it’s love, it’s love, that makes the world go round!’"

"Someone said," Alice whispered, "that it’s done by everyone minding their own business!"

"Yeah, well!" said the Duchess, digging her sharp chin into Alice’s shoulder, "it basically means the same thing, and the point of that is - ‘Take care of the meaning, and the sounds will sort themselves out.’"

"How she loves finding points in everything!" Alice thought to herself.

"I bet you’re wondering why I don’t put my arm around your waist," the Duchess said after a pause: "the thing is, I’m not sure about the temper of your flamingo. Should I give it a try?"

"He might bite," Alice said cautiously, not really wanting to test it out.

"Exactly," said the Duchess: "flamingoes and mustard both bite. And the point of that is - ‘Birds of a feather flock together.’"

"Only mustard isn’t a bird," Alice pointed out.

"You’re right, as usual," said the Duchess: "what a clear way you have of putting things!"

"It’s a mineral, I think," said Alice.

"Of course it is," said the Duchess, who seemed ready to agree with everything Alice said; "there’s a huge mustard-mine nearby. And the point of that is - ‘The more of mine there is, the less there is of yours.’"

"Oh, I know!" exclaimed Alice, who hadn’t really been paying attention to this last thing, "it’s a vegetable! It doesn’t look like one, but it is."

"I totally agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the point of that is - ‘Be who you want to seem to be’ - or if you want to put it simpler - ‘Never pretend you’re not what others think you are, or what you might have been, or what they think you might have been.’"

"I think I’d understand that better," Alice said very politely, "if it was written down: but I can’t really follow it when you say it."

"That’s nothing compared to what I could say if I wanted to," the Duchess replied, sounding pleased with herself.

"Please don’t bother to say any more than that," said Alice.

"Oh, don’t talk about drama!" said the Duchess. "I’m giving you everything I’ve said so far as a gift."

"That’s a seriously lame gift!" thought Alice.

"I’m glad they don’t give birthday presents like that!"

But she didn’t dare say it out loud.

"Thinking again?" the Duchess asked, giving her chin a sharp poke.

"I have a right to think," said Alice, starting to feel a little freaked out.

"Just about as much right," said the Duchess, "as pigs have to fly; and the m - "

But here, to Alice’s huge surprise, the Duchess’s voice just faded away, even in the middle of her favorite word, ‘moral,’ and the arm linked into hers started to tremble. Alice looked up, and there stood the Queen, with her arms crossed, looking like a total thunderstorm.

A great day, your Majesty!

began the Duchess in a quiet, shaky voice.

"Now, listen up," shouted the Queen, stomping her foot as she spoke; "either you or your head is going, and that in like, half a second! Take your pick!"

The Duchess took her choice, and vanished in a flash.

"Let’s keep the game going," said the Queen to Alice; and Alice was too scared to say a word, but slowly followed her back to the croquet-ground.

The other guests had taken advantage of the Queen’s absence, and were chilling in the shade. But the moment they saw her, they rushed back to the game. The Queen just said a little delay would cost them their lives.

The whole time they were playing, the Queen never stopped arguing with the other players, and yelling "Off with his head!" or "Off with her head!"

Those she sentenced were grabbed by the soldiers, who had to stop being arches to do this, so by the end of half an hour, there were no arches left, and all the players, except the King, the Queen, and Alice, were in custody and facing execution.

Then the Queen stopped, totally out of breath, and said to Alice, "Have you seen the Mock Turtle yet?"

"No," said Alice. "I don’t even know what a Mock Turtle is."

"It’s what Mock Turtle Soup is made from," said the Queen.

"I’ve never seen one, or even heard of one," said Alice.

"Come on, then," said the Queen, "and he’s going to tell you his story."

As they walked off together, Alice heard the King say in a low voice to everyone, "You’re all pardoned." "That’s awesome!" she thought to herself, because she’s felt really bummed about all the executions the Queen had ordered.

They soon came across a Gryphon, snoozing in the sun. (If you don’t know what a Gryphon is, check out the picture.)

"Wake up, lazy thing!" said the Queen, "and take this young lady to see the Mock Turtle, and to hear his story. I have to go back and check on some executions I’ve ordered;" and she stomped off, leaving Alice alone with the Gryphon.

Alice didn’t totally love the look of the creature, but on the whole, she thought it would be pretty safe to hang out with it than to chase after that wild Queen: so she waited.

The Gryphon sat up and rubbed its eyes: then it watched the Queen until she was out of sight: then it chuckled.

"This is so funny!" said the Gryphon, partly to itself, partly to Alice.

"What’s so funny?" said Alice.

"Why, she," said the Gryphon. "It’s all her imagination, you know: they never actually executes anyone. Come on!"

"Everyone’s saying ‘come on!’ here," thought Alice, as she slowly followed it: "I’ve never been told what to do so much in my whole life, never!"

They hadn’t gone far when they saw the Mock Turtle in the distance, sitting sad and lonely on a little ledge of rock, and as they got closer, Alice could hear him sighing like his heart was going to break. She felt really bad for him.

"What’s he so sad about?" she asked the Gryphon, and the Gryphon answered, pretty much the same as before, "It’s all his imagination, you know: he doesn’t have any real sorrow. Come on!"

So they went up to the Mock Turtle, who looked at them with big, teary eyes, but didn’t say a thing.

"This girl," said the Gryphon, "she wants to know your story, you know."

"I’ll tell it," said the Mock Turtle in a deep, echoing voice. "Sit down, both of you, and don’t say a word until I’ve finished."

So they sat down, and nobody spoke for a few minutes. Alice thought, "How’s he ever going to finish if he doesn’t start?" But she waited patiently.

"Once," said the Mock Turtle at last, with a big sigh, "I was a real Turtle."

There was a long silence after that, broken only by the Gryphon’s occasional "Hjckrrh!" and the Mock Turtle’s constant sobbing. Alice almost got up to say, "Thanks, sir, that was a really interesting story," but she figured there was probably more to come, so she stayed put and waited.

"When we were little," the Mock Turtle went on, calmer now, though still crying a bit, "we went to school in the sea. Our teacher was an old Turtle - we called him Tortoise - "

"Why did you call him Tortoise if he wasn’t one?" Alice asked.

"We called him Tortoise because he taught us!" said the Mock Turtle, sounding annoyed. "Seriously, you’re so slow!"

"You should be embarrassed for asking such an easy question," added the Gryphon, and they both looked at poor Alice, who felt like disappearing.

Finally, the Gryphon said to the Mock Turtle, "Come on, old dude! Don’t take all day!" and he went on:

"Yeah, we went to school in the sea, even though you might not believe it - "

"I never said I didn’t!" interrupted Alice.

"You did," said the Mock Turtle.

"Zip it!" added the Gryphon, before Alice could say anything else.

The Mock Turtle continued:

"We got the best educations - seriously, we went to school every day - "

"I’ve been to a day-school too," said Alice. "You don’t have to brag about it."

"With extras?" asked the Mock Turtle, a little worried.

"Yeah," said Alice, "we learned French and music."

"And laundry?" asked the Mock Turtle.

"Absolutely not !" said Alice, sounding offended.

"Oh! Then yours wasn’t a very good school," said the Mock Turtle, sounding relieved. "At ours, they included ‘French, music, and laundry - extra.’"

"You probably didn’t even want it much," said Alice, "living at the bottom of the sea."

"I couldn’t afford to learn it," said the Mock Turtle with a sigh. "I only took the basic course."

"What was that?" asked Alice.

"Reeling and Writhing, of course, to start with," replied the Mock Turtle, "and then the different parts of math - Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision."

"I’m not sure I’ve ever heard of ‘Uglification’," said Alice cautiously. "What is it?"

The Gryphon lifted both paws in surprise.

"What! You’re not familiar with uglifying? You know what beautifying is, right?"

"Yeah," said Alice doubtfully. "It means - to - make - anything - prettier."

"Well," said the Gryphon, "if you don’t know what to uglify is, you’re a little dense."

Alice didn’t feel like asking any more questions about it, so she turned to the Mock Turtle and said, "What else did you learn?"

"Well, there was Mystery," replied the Mock Turtle, counting off the subjects on his flippers, " - Mystery, ancient and modern, with Seaography . Then Drawling - our Drawling teacher was an old conger-eel, who came once a week. He taught us Drawling, Stretching, and Fainting in Coils."

"What was that like?" asked Alice.

"Well, I can’t show you myself," said the Mock Turtle. "I’m too stiff. And the Gryphon never learned it."

"Didn’t have time," said the Gryphon. "I went to the Classics teacher, though. He was an old crab, he was."

"I never went to him," the Mock Turtle said with a sigh: "he taught about being happy and sad, people used to say."

"Yeah, he did, totally," said the Gryphon, sighing too, and both creatures hid their faces in their paws.

"And how many hours a day did you have lessons?" said Alice, super eager to change the subject.

"Ten hours the first day," said the Mock Turtle: "nine the next, and it went on like that."

"What a weird system!" exclaimed Alice.

"That’s why they’re called lessons," the Gryphon remarked: "because they get less and less each day."

This was a totally new idea to Alice, and she thought about it for a bit before she spoke up.

"So, the eleventh day must have been a day off?"

"Duh," said the Mock Turtle.

"And how did you guys handle the twelfth?" Alice asked, really excited to know.

"Okay, enough about lessons," the Gryphon interrupted in a really firm voice: "tell her something about the games now."