Chapter 3A Caucus‐race and a Long Tale

A Really Weird Race and a Long Story. They were a seriously strange group that gathered on the bank - the birds with messed-up feathers, the animals with their fur plastered to them, and everyone soaked, grumpy, and super uncomfortable.

The big question, of course, was how to get dry again. They had a serious chat about it, and after a few minutes, it felt totally normal for Alice to be chatting casually with them, like she's known them forever.

She even had a long argument with the Lory, who finally got sulky and just kept saying, "I’m older than you, and I know better! Alice wouldn’t let it go without knowing how old it was, but the Lory refused to tell, so there was nothing more to say.

Finally, the Mouse, who seemed to be the boss of the group, yelled out, "Okay, everyone, sit down and listen to me! I’ll get you dry, fast!" They all sat down in a big circle, with the Mouse in the middle.

Alice kept staring at it, because she knew she's going to get a bad cold if she didn’t get dry, like, really soon.

"Ahem!" said the Mouse with a really important look. "Are you all ready? This is the driest thing I know. Quiet, everyone, please! ‘William the Conqueror, who had the pope on his side, was quickly accepted by the English, who were looking for leaders and had gotten used to being taken over.’"

"Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria - ’"

"Ugh!" said the Lory, shivering.

"Excuse me!" said the Mouse, frowning politely. "Did you say something?"

"Nope!" said the Lory quickly.

"I thought you did," said the Mouse. " - I’m continuing. ‘Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria, agreed to support him: and even Stigand, the patriotic archbishop of Canterbury, thought it would be a good idea - ’"

"Found what?" said the Duck.

"Found it," replied the Mouse, sounding a little annoyed. "Of course, you know what ‘it’ means."

"I know what ‘it’ means when I find something," said the Duck. "It’s usually a frog or a worm. The question is, what did the archbishop find?"

The Mouse didn’t hear the question and rushed on, "‘ - found it advisable to go with Edgar Atheling to meet William and offer him the crown. William’s behavior was pretty calm at first. But the rude actions of his soldiers - ’ How are you doing, dear?" it continued, turning to Alice as it talked.

"Still soaking wet," said Alice sadly. "It doesn’t seem to dry me at all."

"In that case," said the Dodo seriously, standing up, "I suggest we end this meeting and come up with some better ideas - "

"Speak English!" said the Eaglet. "I don’t understand half those long words, and, honestly, I don’t think you do either!"

The Eaglet bent its head to hide a smile, and some of the other birds giggled.

"What I was going to say," said the Dodo, sounding offended, "is that the best way to get dry is to have a Caucus-race."

"What’s a Caucus-race?" asked Alice.

Not that she really wanted to know, but the Dodo had paused, like it thought someone should speak, and no one else seemed to want to say anything.

"Well," said the Dodo, "the best way to explain it is to do it."

(And, if you’re feeling adventurous, you can try it yourself someday. I’ll tell you how the Dodo managed it.)

First, it drew a racecourse, in a circle sort of thing ("the exact shape doesn’t matter," it said), and then everyone was placed along the course, here and there.

There was no "One, two, three, go!" but they started running when they felt like it, and stopped when they felt like it, so it was hard to know when the race was over.

But after running for about half an hour or so, and totally dry again, the Dodo suddenly yelled, "The race is over!" and they all crowded around it, panting and asking, "But who won?"

The Dodo couldn’t answer that without thinking really hard, so it sat for a long time with its finger on its forehead - like you see Shakespeare in pictures - while everyone else waited quietly. Finally, the Dodo said, "Everyone’s won, and everyone gets a prize!"

"But who’s giving out the prizes?" a bunch of voices asked at once.

"Why, she, of course!" said the Dodo, pointing to Alice with one finger.

The whole group crowded around her, shouting, "Prizes! Prizes!"

Alice was totally clueless about what to do, so, feeling desperate, she stuck her hand in her pocket and pulled out a box of comfits (luckily the salt water hadn’t gotten in!). She handed them out as prizes - one for each person.

"But she needs a prize too, you know," said the Mouse.

"Of course," the Dodo replied seriously. "What else do you have in your pocket?" he asked, turning to Alice.

"Just a thimble," said Alice sadly.

"Hand it over," said the Dodo.

Then they all crowded around her again, while the Dodo presented the thimble with a lot of importance, saying, "We hope you’ll accept this super fancy thimble!" When he finished that short speech, they all cheered.

Alice thought the whole thing was totally bizarre, but everyone looked so serious that she didn't dare to laugh. Since she couldn’t think of anything to say, she just bowed and took the thimble, trying to look as serious as possible.

Next up was eating the comfits, which caused a bit of noise and chaos. The bigger birds complained they couldn't taste theirs, and the little ones choked and needed pats on the back. But eventually, it was over, and they all sat down in a circle again, asking the Mouse to tell them something more.

"You promised to tell me your story, you know," said Alice, "and why you hate - C and D," she whispered, half-afraid it would get upset again.

"It’s a long and a sad story!" said the Mouse, turning to Alice and sighing.

"It’s a long tail, for sure," said Alice, looking down in amazement at the Mouse’s tail. "But why is it sad?"

She kept trying to figure it out while the Mouse was talking, so her idea of the story was something like this:

"Fury told a mouse, who he met in the house, ‘Let’s go to court! I’m suing you! Come on, I won’t take no for an answer! We need a trial! Seriously, I’m bored this morning. The mouse told the dog, ‘A trial like that, with no judge or jury, would be a waste of time.’"

"‘I’ll be the judge, I’ll be the jury,’ said sly old Fury. ‘I’ll decide the whole case and sentence you to death!’"

"You’re not paying attention!" said the Mouse to Alice sternly. "What are you thinking about?"

"I’m sorry," said Alice very politely. "I thought you were at the fifth bend, right?"

"No, I wasn’t!" cried the Mouse, sharply and angrily.

"A knot!" said Alice, always wanting to be helpful, looking around anxiously. "Oh, let me help untie it!"

"I’m not doing that," said the Mouse, getting up and walking away. "You’ve insulted me by talking such nonsense!"

"I didn’t mean it!" pleaded poor Alice.

"But you get so easily upset, you know!"

The Mouse just growled in reply.

"Please come back and finish your story!" Alice called after it; and the others all joined in, "Yes, please do!" but the Mouse just shook its head impatiently and walked a little faster.

"What a shame it left!" sighed the Lory as soon as it was out of sight; and an old Crab took the chance to say to her daughter, "Oh, my dear! Let this be a lesson to you never to lose your temper!"

"Shut up, Mom!" said the young Crab, a little grumpy. "You’re enough to test the patience of an oyster!"

"I wish we had Dinah here, I know I do!" said Alice out loud, talking to no one in particular. "She’s bring it back in a flash!"

"And who’s Dinah, if I can ask?" said the Lory.

Alice replied, super excited, because she loved talking about her cat: "Dinah’s our cat! And she's seriously amazing at catching mice - you wouldn’t believe it! And oh, I wish you could see her after the birds! She’s like, bam, eats a little bird before you even know it!"

This totally freaked everyone out. Some of the birds bolted right away. One old Magpie started wrapping itself up tight, saying, "I really gotta head home; the evening air is bad for my throat! And a Canary yelled to its kids in a shaky voice, "Come on, my dears! It’s bedtime!"

They all left, making excuses, and Alice was soon all by herself.

"Ugh, I wish I hadn’t even mentioned Dinah!" she mumbled to herself, feeling bummed.

"Nobody here seems to like her, but she’s the best cat in the whole world! Oh, my dear Dinah! I wonder if I’ll ever see you again?"

And then poor Alice started crying again, because she felt really lonely and down.

But after a little while, she heard little footsteps again, and she looked up, hoping the Mouse had changed his mind and was coming back to finish his story.