Chapter 8The Queen’s Croquet‐ground

The Queen’s Croquet-ground.

A huge rose bush stood near the entrance of the garden. The roses growing on it were white, but there were three gardeners painting them red. Alice thought that was super weird, so she went closer to watch. Just then, she heard one of them say, "Watch out now, Five! Don’t splash paint all over me!"

"I couldn’t help it," said Five, sounding sulky. "Seven bumped my elbow."

Seven looked up and said, "That’s right, Five! Always blame someone else!"

"You’d better not talk!" said Five. "I heard the Queen say only yesterday you deserved to be beheaded!"

"What for?" asked the one who had spoken first.

"That’s none of your business, Two!" said Seven.

"Yes, it is his business!" said Five, "and I’ll tell him - it was for bringing the cook tulip roots instead of onions."

Seven dropped his brush and started to say, "Well, that’s just the most unfair thing - " when his eye fell on Alice, who was watching them. He stopped suddenly. The others looked around too, and they all bowed low.

"Could you tell me," said Alice, a little shy, "why you’re painting those roses?"

Five and Seven didn’t say anything, but looked at Two. Two started in a quiet voice, "The thing is, you see, Miss, this was supposed to be a red rose bush, and we accidentally planted a white one. If the Queen finds out, we’re all done for, you know."

So we’re trying our best, before she comes, to - At that moment, Five, who had been looking across the garden, called out, The Queen! The Queen! and the three gardeners instantly flopped face-down on the ground.

There was the sound of lots of footsteps, and Alice looked around, excited to see the Queen.

First came ten soldiers carrying clubs. They all looked like the three gardeners - long and flat, with their hands and feet at the corners. Next came the ten courtiers. They were covered in diamonds and walked two by two, just like the soldiers. After them came the royal children.

There were ten of them, and they were all jumping along hand in hand in pairs. They were all decorated with hearts. Then came the guests - mostly Kings and Queens - and Alice recognized the White Rabbit.

It was talking really fast and seemed nervous, smiling at everything that was said, and hurried past without noticing her. Then followed the Knave of Hearts, carrying the King’s crown on a crimson velvet cushion. Last of all this amazing parade came The King and Queen of Hearts.

Alice wondered if she should lie face down like the gardeners, but she couldn’t remember ever hearing about a rule like that at parades.

"Besides," she thought, "what would be the point of a parade if everyone had to lie face down so they couldn’t see it?"

So she stood still and waited.

When the parade reached Alice, they all stopped and looked at her, and the Queen said sharply, "Who is this?" She asked it to the Knave of Hearts, who just bowed and smiled.

"Idiot!" said the Queen, tossing her head.

Then, turning to Alice, she asked, "What’s your name, child?"

"My name is Alice, your Majesty," said Alice politely.

But she thought to herself, "They’re just a bunch of playing cards, after all. I don’t have to be scared of them!"

"And who are these?" said the Queen, pointing to the three gardeners who were lying around the rose bush.

Because they were lying face down, and the pattern on their backs looked the same as the rest of the deck, she couldn’t tell if they were gardeners, soldiers, courtiers, or even her own kids.

"How would I know?" said Alice, surprised at her own bravery. "It’s none of my business."

The Queen turned bright red with anger, and after glaring at her like a wild animal, she screamed, "Off with her head! Off - "

"That’s ridiculous!" Alice shouted, very loudly and clearly.

The Queen went silent.

The King gently put his hand on her arm and said nervously, "Honey, think about it. She’s just a kid!"

The Queen turned away from him angrily and said to the Knave, "Turn them over!"

The Knave did so, very carefully, with one foot.

"Get up!" the Queen yelled in a high, loud voice.

The three gardeners instantly jumped up and started bowing to the King, the Queen, the royal kids, and everyone else.

"Stop that!" screamed the Queen.

"You’re making me dizzy."

Then, turning to the rose tree, she asked, "What have you been up to?"

"Your Majesty," said Two in a very humble tone, kneeling as he spoke, "we were trying - "

"I see!" said the Queen, who had been checking out the roses. "Off with their heads!" and the procession moved on, with three soldiers staying behind to deal with the unlucky gardeners, who ran to Alice for safety.

"You’re not getting beheaded!" Alice said, and she put them into a big flowerpot nearby.

The three soldiers wandered around for a minute or two, looking for them, and then quietly marched off after the others.

"Are their heads gone?" shouted the Queen.

"Their heads are gone, Your Majesty!" the soldiers shouted in reply.

"That’s right!" shouted the Queen. "Can you play croquet?"

The soldiers were quiet and looked at Alice, because the question was obviously meant for her.

"Yeah!" shouted Alice.

"Let’s go!" roared the Queen, and Alice joined the procession, wondering what would happen next.

"It’s - it’s a really nice day!" said a shy voice beside her.

She was walking with the White Rabbit, who was peeking anxiously into her face.

"Totally," said Alice. " - Where’s the Duchess?"

"Shhh! Shhh!" said the Rabbit in a low, rushed tone.

He looked anxiously over his shoulder as he spoke, and then tiptoed, putting his mouth close to her ear, and whispered, "She’s been sentenced to execution."

"Why?" said Alice.

"Did you say ‘What a bummer’?" the Rabbit asked.

"No, I didn’t," said Alice. "I don’t think it’s a bummer at all. I said ‘Why?’"

"She boxed the Queen’s ears - " the Rabbit began.

Alice let out a little giggle.

"Oh, hush!" the Rabbit whispered in a scared tone. "The Queen will hear you! You see, she was late, and the Queen said - "

"Get in your spots!" shouted the Queen in a voice like thunder, and people started running around in all directions, bumping into each other.

However, they settled down in a minute or two, and the game began. Alice thought she’d never seen such a weird croquet ground in her life.

It was all bumps and trenches; the balls were live hedgehogs, the mallets were live flamingoes, and the soldiers had to bend over and stand on their hands and feet to make the arches.

The biggest problem Alice had at first was handling her flamingo. She managed to tuck its body comfortably enough under her arm, with its legs dangling down.

But just as she’d straighten out its neck and was about to hit the hedgehog with its head, it would twist around and look up at her with such a confused expression that she couldn't help but burst out laughing.

And when she finally got its head down and was about to start again, it was really annoying to find that the hedgehog had unrolled itself and was trying to crawl away.

Plus, there was always a bump or trench in the way wherever she wanted to send the hedgehog, and the doubled-up soldiers were always getting up and walking off to other parts of the ground. Alice quickly realized it was a really tough game.

The players were going wild, all playing at once without taking turns, arguing and fighting over the hedgehogs. In no time, the Queen was seriously ticked off, stomping around and shouting, "Off with his head!" or "Off with her head!" like every minute.

Alice started to feel really uneasy. She hadn't had a problem with the Queen yet, but she knew it could happen any second.

"And then," she thought, "what’s gonna happen to me? They’s totally into beheading people here; it’s a miracle anyone’s still alive!"

She was looking for a way to escape, wondering if she could sneak away without being noticed, when she saw something weird in the air. It was super confusing at first, but after watching it for a bit, she realized it was a grin.

"It’s the Cheshire Cat!" she said to herself. "Now I’ll have someone to talk to."

"How’s it going?" said the Cat, as soon as it could get the words out.

Alice waited for the eyes to appear, and then nodded.

"It’s pointless to talk to it," she thought, "until its ears are here, or at least one of them."

In another minute, the whole head popped out, and then Alice put down her flamingo and started telling it all about the game, feeling really glad to have someone to listen. The Cat seemed to think that was enough to see for now, and no more of it appeared.

"They’re not playing fair at all," Alice began, sounding a little grumpy.

"They’re all arguing so much you can’t even hear yourself - and they don’t even have any rules, really; at least, if they do, nobody pays attention - and you have no idea how confusing it is when everything’s alive!"

"Like, there’s the arch I have to go through next, just wandering around at the other end of the garden - and I would have croqueted the Queen’s hedgehog just now, only it ran away when it saw mine coming!"

"What do you think of the Queen?" said the Cat in a low voice.

"Not much," said Alice. "She’s so..."

Just then, she noticed that the Queen was right behind her, listening, so she quickly added, " - likely to win, it’s hardly worth finishing the game."

The Queen gave a little smile and moved on.

"Who are you talking to?" said the King, walking up to Alice and staring at the Cat’s head with a lot of curiosity.

"It’s a friend of mine - a Cheshire Cat," said Alice. "Let me introduce you."

"I don’t like the look of it at all," said the King. "Still, it can kiss my hand if it wants to."

"I’d rather not," said the Cat.

"Don’t be rude," said the King. "And don’t look at me like that!"

He hid behind Alice as he spoke.

"A cat can look at a king," said Alice. "I’ve read that somewhere, but I don’t remember where."

"Well, it has to go," said the King very seriously, and he called the Queen, who was walking by at that moment. "My dear! I want you to get rid of this cat!"

The Queen had only one way to deal with everything, big or small.

"Off with its head!" she said, without even looking around.

"I’ll get the executioner myself!" said the King excitedly, and he rushed off.

Alice figured she might as well go back and see how the game was going, as she could hear the Queen’s voice in the distance, screaming with anger.

She had already sentenced three players to be executed for missing their turns, and she didn’t like the way things looked, because the game was so chaotic she never knew if it was her turn. So she went looking for her hedgehog.

The hedgehog was busy fighting with another hedgehog, which seemed like a perfect opportunity for Alice to croquet one of them with the other.

The only problem was, her flamingo had wandered off to the other side of the garden, where Alice could see it trying, in a really helpless way, to fly up into a tree.

By the time she'd caught the flamingo and brought it back, the fight was over, and both the hedgehogs were gone: "But it’s not a big deal," thought Alice, "since all the arches are missing on this side of the field."

So she tucked it under her arm, just in case it tried to bolt, and went back to chat with her friend.

When she got back to the Cheshire Cat, she was shocked to see a huge crowd gathered around it. There was a serious argument going on between the executioner, the King, and the Queen, and they were all talking over each other, while everyone else looked super awkward.

The second Alice showed up, all three of them were asking her to settle the issue, and they repeated their points to her. But since they were all yelling at once, she had a really hard time figuring out exactly what they were saying.

The executioner's point was, you couldn’t chop off a head unless there was a body to chop it off from. He said he’s never had to do that before, and he wasn’t about to start now.

The King’s argument was, anything with a head could be beheaded, and you shouldn’t talk crazy.

The Queen’s argument was, if they didn’t do something about it fast, she'd have everyone executed, like, everywhere. (That last comment made the whole party look really serious and worried.)

Alice couldn’t think of anything to say except, "It belongs to the Duchess: you should ask her."

"She’s in jail," the Queen told the executioner.

"Bring her here."

And the executioner zoomed off like a rocket.

The Cat’s head started to vanish the moment he left, and by the time he came back with the Duchess, it had completely disappeared. So the King and the executioner ran around frantically looking for it, while the rest of the party went back to the game.