Chapter 5Advice From a Caterpillar

The Caterpillar and Alice stared at each other for a bit. Then, the Caterpillar took its hookah out of its mouth and spoke in a slow, sleepy voice.

"Who are you?" asked the Caterpillar.

That wasn't exactly a warm welcome. Alice replied, a little shyly, "I - I’m not really sure, sir, not right now, anyway. I know who I was this morning when I woke up, but I think I’m changed a bunch of times since then."

"What do you mean by that?" asked the Caterpillar, sounding serious. "Explain it!"

"I can’t really explain it, I’m afraid, sir," said Alice. "Because I’m not myself, you know."

"I don’t get it," said the Caterpillar.

"I’m not sure how to put it better," Alice replied politely. "Because I don’t understand it myself, and being so many different sizes in one day is super confusing."

"It’s not that hard," said the Caterpillar.

"Well, maybe you haven’t experienced it yet," said Alice. "But when you turn into a chrysalis - you will someday, you know - and then into a butterfly, I bet you’ll feel a little weird, right?"

"Not really," said the Caterpillar.

"Well, maybe your feelings are different," said Alice. "All I know is, it would feel really strange to me."

"You!" said the Caterpillar, sounding unimpressed. "Who are you?"

That brought them right back to the beginning of the conversation. Alice felt a little annoyed that the Caterpillar was giving such short answers, so she straightened up and said, very seriously, "I think you should tell me who you are, first."

"Why?" said the Caterpillar.

That was another weird question, and Alice couldn’t think of a good reason, plus the Caterpillar seemed to be in a bad mood, so she turned away.

"Come back!" called the Caterpillar after her.

"I’ve got something important to say!"

That sounded promising, so Alice turned around and came back.

"Keep your cool," said the Caterpillar.

"Is that all?" said Alice, trying to calm down.

"Nope," said the Caterpillar.

Alice figured she might as well wait, since she didn’t have anything else to do, and maybe it would tell her something interesting.

For a few minutes, it kept puffing away without saying anything, but then it unfolded its arms, took the hookah out of its mouth again, and said, "So you think you’ve changed, huh?"

"I think so, sir," said Alice. "I can’t remember things like I used to - and I don’t stay the same size for even ten minutes!"

"Can’t remember what?" asked the Caterpillar.

"Well, I tried to say ‘How doth the little busy bee,’ but it all came out wrong!" Alice replied in a sad voice.

"Try, ‘You are old, Father William,’" said the Caterpillar.

Alice folded her hands, and

"You’re old, Dad," the young man said, "and your hair is totally white! And you’re always standing on your head - do you really think that’s okay at your age?"

"When I was younger," Father William replied to his son, "I worried it might mess up my brain. But now that I’m sure I don’t have one, Why, I do it again and again."

"You’re old," said the youth, "like I mentioned before, and you’ve gotten seriously chunky! Yet you just did a backflip right through the door - what’s the deal?"

"When I was younger," said the wise old man, shaking his gray locks, "I kept all my limbs super flexible with this ointment - it’s a dollar a box - want me to sell you a couple? "You’re old," said the youth, "and your jaw’s too weak For anything tougher than suet; Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak - How did you even manage that?"

"When I was younger," said his father, "I went to law school, and argued every case with my wife. And the strong jaw muscles that came from that, have lasted my whole life."

"You’re old," said the youth, "you’d hardly think Your eye was as sharp as ever; Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose - What made you so totally awesome?" "I’ve answered three questions, and that’s enough!"

Said his father; "don’t get a big head! Do you think I can listen to that stuff all day? Get outta here, or I’ll kick you down the stairs!"

"That’s not right," said the Caterpillar.

"Not quite right, I’m afraid," said Alice, nervously; "some of the words are all messed up."

"It’s wrong from start to finish," said the Caterpillar firmly, and there was silence for a few minutes.

The Caterpillar was the first to speak.

"What size do you want to be?" it asked.

"Oh, I’m not picky about size," Alice replied quickly; "it’s just annoying to keep changing, you know?"

"I don’t know," said the Caterpillar.

Alice said nothing: she’d never been contradicted so much in her life, and she was losing her cool.

"Are you happy now?" said the Caterpillar.

"Well, I’d like to be a little bigger, sir, if that’s okay," said Alice: "three inches is such a sad height to be."

"That’s a really good height!" said the Caterpillar angrily, standing straight up as it spoke (it was exactly three inches high).

"But I’m not used to it!" pleaded poor Alice in a sad tone.

And she thought to herself, "I wish those creatures wouldn’t get so easily upset!"

"You’ll get used to it in time," said the Caterpillar; and it put the hookah into its mouth and started smoking again.

This time Alice waited patiently until it chose to speak again. In a minute or two the Caterpillar took the hookah out of its mouth and yawned a couple of times, and shook itself.

Then it climbed down off the mushroom, and crawled away in the grass, just saying as it went, "One side will make you grow taller, and the other side will make you grow shorter."

"One side of what? The other side of what?" thought Alice to herself.

"Of the mushroom," said the Caterpillar, as if she’d asked it out loud; and in another moment it was gone.

Alice kept looking thoughtfully at the mushroom for a minute, trying to figure out which were the two sides of it; and since it was perfectly round, she found this a really tough question.

However, at last she stretched her arms around it as far as they would go, and broke off a bit of the edge with each hand.

"And now which is which?" she said to herself, and nibbled a little of the right-hand bit to see what would happen: the next moment she felt a huge shove underneath her chin: it had hit her foot!

She was seriously freaked out by this sudden change, but she knew she didn't have time to panic, because she was shrinking super fast. So, she jumped right into eating some of the other bit.

Her chin was pressed so close to her foot that there was barely any room to open her mouth, but she finally managed to pry it open and swallowed a piece of the bit on the left.

"Whew, my head’s free at last!" said Alice in a happy tone, which quickly turned into worry when she realized her shoulders were gone!

All she could see when she looked down was this crazy-long neck that seemed to rise up like a stalk out of a sea of green leaves way below her.

"What is all that green stuff?" said Alice. "And where did my shoulders go? And oh, my poor hands, why can’t I see you?"

She was waving them around as she talked, but nothing seemed to happen except a little shaking way down in the green leaves.

Since there was no way to get her hands up to her head, she tried to get her head down to them, and she was so relieved to see that her neck bent around easily in any direction, just like a snake.

She’s just managed to curve it down into a cool zigzag and was about to dive into the leaves, which turned out to be nothing but the tops of the trees she’s been wandering under, when a sharp hiss made her jump back: a big pigeon had flown right into her face and was beating her with its wings.

"Serpent!" screamed the Pigeon.

"I’m not a serpent!" said Alice, annoyed. "Leave me alone!"

"Serpent, I said!" repeated the Pigeon, but in a quieter voice, adding with a little sob, "I’ve tried everything, and nothing seems to work!"

"I have no idea what you’re talking about," said Alice.

"I’ve tried the roots of trees, and I’ve tried banks, and I’ve tried hedges," the Pigeon went on, not paying attention to her; "but those serpents! You can’t please them for anything!"

Alice was totally confused, but she figured there was no point in saying anything more until the Pigeon was done.

"As if it’s not trouble enough hatching the eggs," said the Pigeon; "but I have to be on the lookout for serpents, night and day! Seriously, I haven’t slept a wink in three weeks!"

"I’m really sorry you’re bothered," said Alice, who was starting to understand.

"And just as I’d climbed the tallest tree in the woods," continued the Pigeon, raising its voice to a shriek, "and just as I thought I’d finally be free of them, they had to wriggle down from the sky! Ugh, Serpent!"

"But I’m not a serpent, I’m telling you!" said Alice. "I’m a - I’m a - "

"Well! What are you?" said the Pigeon. "I can see you’re trying to make something up!"

"I - I’m a little girl," said Alice, a little unsure, remembering all the changes she’s gone through that day.

"Yeah, right!" said the Pigeon in a tone of total disbelief. "I’ve seen a lot of little girls in my time, but never one with a neck like that! No way, you’re a serpent; and there’s no use denying it. I bet you’re gonna tell me next that you’ve never tasted an egg!"

"I have tasted eggs, of course," said Alice, who was a really honest kid; "but little girls eat eggs just as much as serpents do, you know."

"I don’t believe it," said the Pigeon; "but if they do, then they’re just a kind of serpent, that’s all I can say."

This was such a crazy new idea to Alice that she was quiet for a minute or two, which gave the Pigeon a chance to add, "You’re looking for eggs, I know that well enough; and what does it matter to me whether you’re a little girl or a serpent?"

"It matters a lot to me," said Alice quickly; "but I’m not looking for eggs, as it happens; and if I was, I wouldn’t want yours: I don’t like them raw."

"Seriously, just go!" the Pigeon grumbled, settling back into its nest.

Alice ducked under the trees as best she could, but her neck kept getting caught in the branches. She had to stop and untangle it a bunch of times.

After a while, she remembered she was still holding the mushroom pieces in her hands, so she started nibbling on them - first one, then the other - growing taller, then shorter, until she finally got back to her normal size.

It felt super weird since it had been so long since she was the right size, but she got used to it pretty quickly and started talking to herself, like always.

"Okay, half my plan’s done now! This whole thing is so confusing! I never know what I’m gonna be, from one second to the next! But I’m back to my normal size - now, how do I get into that gorgeous garden, I wonder?"

As she said that, she suddenly came to a clearing, with a tiny house in it, only about four feet tall. "Whoever lives there," thought Alice, "it’s gonna be a disaster if I pop up like this - I’d totally freak them out!"

So she started nibbling on the right side again, and didn’t dare go near the house until she shrunk down to nine inches tall.